Since I’m obviously in a good mood, I’ll use this opportunity to look back on the events that happened during last year, ignore all the positive things that happened and rip with my cynical paws bodies of the innocent.
Say hi to the SpitFest 2004
1. Worse TV show for under 18: South Park
Every time after I see that shit I piss blood. Yes, yes. Blood. Leucocytes, trombocytes, you name it, i piss it. And I would like you show that instead of it “Beach Police”. That’s a real show” that was the message I was sending every time after seeing this once good show.
But let’s not concentrate only on negative things. “Beach police” freshened mine and the rest of the Cro population everyday life. Even of those who weren’t looking the show itself. Yup. It’s that good.
Like Japanese showed us, that even throwing spinners (think that’s the word) can be turned into and extreme sport, “beach police” showed me that I grew up in illusion that Superman did most for good of mankind. Obviously riding a bike on the beaches of L.A. and hunting small thieves is the only right way for long-term effect in the history of mankind. Who would say?
From now on, when I grow up, I want to be beach policewoman!
2. Worst TV show for adults: Sex and the City
Didn’t see that comin’ did ya?
Do I even need to write anything? For 3 years Cosmo readers have been giggling on lousy attempts to be funny and rose in heaven characters from this shit like some gods of Olympus who came down on Manhattan to teach us how to dress trendy and give advice about sex. I should really send you some kind of note of your extraordinary success.
And Mr. Big = John. I wonder how long it took them to think that. It is, after all on of the rare names, like Ernest and Groqtarr Unbeatable.
But the worse crime was last episode in which dozen of celebrities prayed the show. Even Heidi Klum. Et tu Heidi?
There were fanatics who practically said things like “watching S&C cured my syphilis.” Oh my god! Will the wonders never stop?
At least we saw person responsible for hip look of our heroines. Carrie’s fashion crime doesn’t surprise me any more since I saw lady responsible for costumes dressed up like on of the mafia people from “Sopranos”.
If nothing, next year they are gone. This emptiness in our hearts no one will fill in.
3. Most irritating showed-for-zillion-times movie: Highlander
Oh boy, I love Highlander! Frankly saying, none of the movies about Highlander is good. Contrary to what the fans say, even the first movie is shit. It’s a movie that combines bad scenes of sword fighing with greatest hits of “Queen”. Only thing worse from this combination could be Carl Orff and shoots of single cellular beings mating. Or holocaust followed by “The Beach Boys”.
For those of you, who by some miracle managed to miss first 12 hours of movie, the story follows Scottish rebellion led by William Wallace, who is coming back from dead even after being decapitated more than once by diabolically mean Englishmen.
Say hi to the SpitFest 2004
1. Worse TV show for under 18: South Park
Every time after I see that shit I piss blood. Yes, yes. Blood. Leucocytes, trombocytes, you name it, i piss it. And I would like you show that instead of it “Beach Police”. That’s a real show” that was the message I was sending every time after seeing this once good show.But let’s not concentrate only on negative things. “Beach police” freshened mine and the rest of the Cro population everyday life. Even of those who weren’t looking the show itself. Yup. It’s that good.
Like Japanese showed us, that even throwing spinners (think that’s the word) can be turned into and extreme sport, “beach police” showed me that I grew up in illusion that Superman did most for good of mankind. Obviously riding a bike on the beaches of L.A. and hunting small thieves is the only right way for long-term effect in the history of mankind. Who would say?
From now on, when I grow up, I want to be beach policewoman!
2. Worst TV show for adults: Sex and the City
Didn’t see that comin’ did ya?Do I even need to write anything? For 3 years Cosmo readers have been giggling on lousy attempts to be funny and rose in heaven characters from this shit like some gods of Olympus who came down on Manhattan to teach us how to dress trendy and give advice about sex. I should really send you some kind of note of your extraordinary success.
And Mr. Big = John. I wonder how long it took them to think that. It is, after all on of the rare names, like Ernest and Groqtarr Unbeatable.
But the worse crime was last episode in which dozen of celebrities prayed the show. Even Heidi Klum. Et tu Heidi?
There were fanatics who practically said things like “watching S&C cured my syphilis.” Oh my god! Will the wonders never stop?
At least we saw person responsible for hip look of our heroines. Carrie’s fashion crime doesn’t surprise me any more since I saw lady responsible for costumes dressed up like on of the mafia people from “Sopranos”.
If nothing, next year they are gone. This emptiness in our hearts no one will fill in.
3. Most irritating showed-for-zillion-times movie: Highlander
Oh boy, I love Highlander! Frankly saying, none of the movies about Highlander is good. Contrary to what the fans say, even the first movie is shit. It’s a movie that combines bad scenes of sword fighing with greatest hits of “Queen”. Only thing worse from this combination could be Carl Orff and shoots of single cellular beings mating. Or holocaust followed by “The Beach Boys”.For those of you, who by some miracle managed to miss first 12 hours of movie, the story follows Scottish rebellion led by William Wallace, who is coming back from dead even after being decapitated more than once by diabolically mean Englishmen.
4. Prick of the year: Michael Moore
Coz he’s fu***ing boring.
Bush is an idiot. Really? Tell me something I don’t know. Or if it’s possible in any way, make a 2-hour long movie about it.
Whole point of Moor’s movie could be put in: “Hi, I’m Michael Moore and George W. Bush is stupid. I am much smarter that him, and I’m not a president of USA. That’s not fare. How can Bush be stupid and get to be a president, and I’m smart and not a president. Btw…did I mention Bush is stupid?”
Unfortunately, instead of that, Moore has a need to make a 2-houl-visual-guide about Bush exhibitions. Okay, Bush is a jerk. I get that. I’m not American.
Coz he’s fu***ing boring.Bush is an idiot. Really? Tell me something I don’t know. Or if it’s possible in any way, make a 2-hour long movie about it.
Whole point of Moor’s movie could be put in: “Hi, I’m Michael Moore and George W. Bush is stupid. I am much smarter that him, and I’m not a president of USA. That’s not fare. How can Bush be stupid and get to be a president, and I’m smart and not a president. Btw…did I mention Bush is stupid?”
Unfortunately, instead of that, Moore has a need to make a 2-houl-visual-guide about Bush exhibitions. Okay, Bush is a jerk. I get that. I’m not American.
5. Idiot of the year: Michael Jackson
Stupid like a pot. And no, I’m not a racist. Although Michael looks these days like he has cousins on Alpha Centurion who communicate with “Bip-bip!” in different intonations.
Anyway, Michael is a man who is close to being suit because of pedophilia, and what does he do? He says something like: “I like to sleep with little boys.”
And then they arrest him. Well, D’OH!
You never heard Jack the Ripper saying: “Oh, I’m not killing prostitutes…I just like to stab their tummy with my knife.”
Michael, get yourself a brain. Or even better a lawyer. One of those, who will stand next to you 24/7 and save your mummified but from further problems.
Stupid like a pot. And no, I’m not a racist. Although Michael looks these days like he has cousins on Alpha Centurion who communicate with “Bip-bip!” in different intonations.Anyway, Michael is a man who is close to being suit because of pedophilia, and what does he do? He says something like: “I like to sleep with little boys.”
And then they arrest him. Well, D’OH!
You never heard Jack the Ripper saying: “Oh, I’m not killing prostitutes…I just like to stab their tummy with my knife.”
Michael, get yourself a brain. Or even better a lawyer. One of those, who will stand next to you 24/7 and save your mummified but from further problems.
6. Phobia of the year: fear of nipples
Statistics say that every hour in USA 7 new phobias are born. This year female nipples made the biggest impression on Americans. After Superbowl over 5000 parents dug their kids’ eyes, so the poor kids would be in danger of being hypnotized by the children of the Satan himself.
And what to say on that? I agree completely with my American friends. I gave my nipples surgically removed. I feel the World became a better place now.
Statistics say that every hour in USA 7 new phobias are born. This year female nipples made the biggest impression on Americans. After Superbowl over 5000 parents dug their kids’ eyes, so the poor kids would be in danger of being hypnotized by the children of the Satan himself.And what to say on that? I agree completely with my American friends. I gave my nipples surgically removed. I feel the World became a better place now.
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