Day 56

I went today to the shop while it was still snowing. I think i was the only one with ought an umbrella or a cap. It reminded me of rain. Most of the people say they don't like rain. Or they like it only if they are in the house, on the dry, watching it through the window and listening the sound of raindrops falling on the window. I say the same. And I really don’t know why.

Why wouldn't I like rain? Ok, so you get wet from the rain. So what?! What's so wrong about being wet? I don't like when I’m cold. But you are not always cold when it rains.
When you are a kid, they make you go inside not to catch a cold. And you catch it anyway.
When you grow up, you use an umbrella so your new haircut doesn't get destroyed and so your make up doesn't get f***ed up. You get nervous and swear coz water gets through your shoes or a car splashes you with water when you try to cross the road. So you come at work, on the faculty or home, all pissed and curse the rain and whoever invented it for ruining your day.

I wish to go out next time when it rains for a walk with ought an umbrella and let my hair gets all wet and sticks to my face. And when I come back home, to throw all he wet clothes in the washing machine, lay down on the carpet and talk on the phone.

You know what's one of the best feelings in the world? Those moments before the storm. When the sky gets all dark-grey-blue, you hear the thunder in the distance. Then the wind starts blowing. And as it gets stronger, you can feel the electricity in the air growing. If you let go to the feeling, you'll get totally crazy! Start running in the yard screaming and laughing until it starts pouring with rain and washes away everything.
It’s a recommendation!

21st Valentine's

Craziness around Valentine’s has been lasting for whole week. I wanted to get sick and close in the house during that period.
This world is really getting crazy! Come on…who knew about Valentine’s 15 years ago?! NOBODY! We knew about Mother’s Day, Day of the Republic, Day of Women, Day of Youth…some of young Croats knew even about Christmas and Easter. But for St Valentine nobody!
But today everyone knows about him. And day before this day, all become shopping freaks. Coz on that day, you need to go through all the shops in the city and spend a little fortune. And the more expensive present you get for your love the more you love him/her.


It’s all invention of the „rotten” capitalism, how to get as much money possible out of the pockets of the rich, and even better, from the poor. And we are buying it nicely! Owners of parfume stores and flower shops and smiling from ear to ear, normal people have a headache when they remember how much money they spent on the gifts and employees in those shops are soon to be sent to a nut house because their nerves are on edges from answering stupid questions and problems with exchanging the goods in case somebody’s boyfriend doesn’t like the present.
And f***k it all if you can’t get the right gift for your love one. It shows a lot how well you (don’t)know the person you are with. Showing love and affection only on that day is transforming Valentine’s into expectations of who will give what to whom, and who will show more affection in public.

I would call it prostitution of love, but I’ll get misinterpreted.

I have a feeling the only people who are thinking about real love on that day are those who don’t have it. They turn to themselves on that day, between their own 4 walls and inside their heads and think how they don’t have what everyone else does. So they are sitting fu***ed up, sad and melancholic and envy those who are somewhere out and celebrating. Celebrating what?

Love is something you celebrate every day. Honest smile, warm look and small things that make your partner happy are a holiday of love. Fall asleep in somebody’s arms and waking up in the same arms is celebration of love. Like when two people understand themselves with ought many words. To know somebody’s good and bad sides, to respect those bad sides is also love. To think about other person satisfaction during sex and not being selfish is also celebration of love.
Actually, holiday of love is bunch of small things that combined in a whole are making a relationship between two people. And that’s the situation when you don’t mind he is leaving shoes in the bedroom, when you find it cute when somebody is imperfect, when you like somebody even when he is not in a good mood.

I could go on for ages now about real love and what is real love. Is it just a habit of being with someone just so you are not alone? But I’ll stop here; I’m starting to annoy myself!

I spent Valentine’s Day alone. Again. My boyfriend (boyfriend? Can I even call him that?) is on a business trip abroad. We talked for few minutes. It made me feel even lonelier than I thought I was. And finally after few years I’m in a relationship on Valentine’s. (I guess I broke the curse of breaking up with boyfriend few days before Valentine’s! )

Ivan Noble, "The time has come"

Generally, I don’t cry on books or movies. Lassie didn’t make my cry. But Hal did, singing Daisy, Daisy and slowly turning off…

Stupid into to something that really touched me few days ago: Ivan Noble, journalist of BBC Online died from brain tumor. Week before he dyed he published his last article, saying his state is so bad that he can’t continue writing.

I was reading his diary regularly where he described his illness and everything he went through…fears, hopes, worries… I really liked to read it because he was writing with ought pathetic sentences and self-pity. I no matter how stupid it sounds, I really wanted for him to beat the disease, which made him almost blind in the end, and made him feel only bits and pieces of his wife and two kids.
I never sent an e—mail of support. I was always late, coz hundreds of people said before me everything I felt or wanted to say, so there was no point.

He strongly believed in science and medicine progress which would possibly find a cure for different illnesses, including his. Although knowing the chances to win the tumor are not on his side, he was writing with optimism. But what I admire the most, was the fact he showed to people he was scared and that it’s ok to be scared.
Journalist of Guardian, Ruth Picardie, wrote in the similar way while she was dying of cancer. She left a husband and 2 year-old twins almost 8 years ago. Articles Ruth wrote were published in a book “Before I Say Goodbye".

I don’t know if there’s a point to put now link on his diary, but I think I’ll put it anyway. I want as many people possible to read it, no matter how pathetic it sounds.
Like Ruth’s, Ivan’s articles will be published in a book later during this year.

It's cold

Today I felt like an excellent material for strip poker. Bring it on! I had more layers on me than a Photoshop piece of art! Let’s try to count:
1. thongs
2. bra
3. t-shirt with short sleeves
4. t-shirt with long sleeves
5. pullover
6. pantyhose
7. socks
8. pants
9. jacket
10. scarf
11. hat
12./13. glows

So, you would need to strike 13 rounds to see me naked this morning. And btw…I have great luck in poker. :)

Today was a good day

Today I stepped on a dog poop while eating a donat.
Damn it!
I should have bought an orange!

How to loose a friend within a month

Mail not sent a long time ago...

Hi!

...

...For the last 6-7 days I have been struggling with myself weather to send you this e-mail or not. But since I don’t have anything more to loose and you are not talking to me regardless this mail, I will send it.
Actually for the last few days I can’t get you out of my head. I was cleaning my inbox and I found some e-mails from you that made me think about the relationship we had. You came in my life in one really hard period and you made it easier to bear.

And now you disappeared from my life. Well, I hate to say it…but this not talking to you hurts. Actually, not knowing the reason WHY, hurts even more then not talking. So can I please ask you to send me some kind of answer? If for no other reason, then for the old times, when (if) I meant something to you. After this mail, if you don’t want, we don’t have to communicate ever again (which would make me really sad, I have to say that, but I can take it. I think. ).

Even if you don’t answer this mail, you don’t have to worry about me hating you. That’s impossible. I will always keep you in a nice memory. I don’t know did you realize that, but there was a period, when one call from you was enough to keep me happy all day . And I really miss that. I miss you...

...

You know those kinds of friends who forget about their friends when they fall in love? Same friends he will need after his relationship breaks down for 10th time. And friendships need to be cherished like flowers. You don’t need to take care of it every day, but from time to time it needs some attention. Otherwise it dies. It doesn’t need any big disaster to happen. Flowers just die by their nature.

He had this long relationship. We met during one of the down periods of his relationship and instantly become really close. I was also going through a tough period then. We were best friends. Him and me. And then he started dating Her again, and he stopped communicating. I called him, tried to talk with him, see him, but he always found a reason not to do it.
That year my friend forgot about my birthday. Few months after that, I got sick. He knew about it. And he didn’t call. Or send e-mail. I didn’t expect him to come and see me, but I expected at least a call. Nothing. Zero. This, so-called friend.

She left him again. Cheated on him. And he “came back” to me. Said he was sorry. Asked for my compassion. Cried on my shoulder. We were good friends again. Talked all the time, hanged around.
And then he got back with Her. I haven’t seen him for a long time. I miss him.

You are a bastard! Worst of a kind!

How to make a tea party?

For making a successful tea party, you need several things…
First, you need to go to the store. Buy 5-6 different types of tea and two boxes of the same one, preferably hibiscus, at least 4 kilos of sugar and something else (anything) what catches your eye. I mean, you are not making a tea party every day! After the shopping, say a prayer just in case. You will need it!
I won’t describe you in details how to make a tee…I hope you all had cooking lessons in primary school (known as DOMAĆINSTVO in my country)
It’s important to pick who you are inviting to a tea party. Actually, it’s the most important thing of all. Coz a tea party is not a tea party if you invite the wrong people.
If it’s a “number based tea party”, call all the people you have in your cell phone. Ideally, people with same dialing number as yours, but it’s not necessary.
If it’s “letter based tea party”, call people from the beginning or end of the alphabet, coz it’s known that people in the middle spoil everything.
And the most important thing, call the main idiot who you all will be laughing at. Like this
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hahhahahahahhahahahahahaahahha!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hahhahahahahhahahahahahaahahha!

Don’t try to change, bend the rules or make up your own…you will end up with a disaster and not a tea party!

SpitFest2005

Since I’m obviously in a good mood, I’ll use this opportunity to look back on the events that happened during last year, ignore all the positive things that happened and rip with my cynical paws bodies of the innocent.
Say hi to the SpitFest 2004

1. Worse TV show for under 18: South Park

Every time after I see that shit I piss blood. Yes, yes. Blood. Leucocytes, trombocytes, you name it, i piss it. And I would like you show that instead of it “Beach Police”. That’s a real show” that was the message I was sending every time after seeing this once good show.
But let’s not concentrate only on negative things. “Beach police” freshened mine and the rest of the Cro population everyday life. Even of those who weren’t looking the show itself. Yup. It’s that good.
Like Japanese showed us, that even throwing spinners (think that’s the word) can be turned into and extreme sport, “beach police” showed me that I grew up in illusion that Superman did most for good of mankind. Obviously riding a bike on the beaches of L.A. and hunting small thieves is the only right way for long-term effect in the history of mankind. Who would say?
From now on, when I grow up, I want to be beach policewoman!


2. Worst TV show for adults: Sex and the City

Didn’t see that comin’ did ya?
Do I even need to write anything? For 3 years Cosmo readers have been giggling on lousy attempts to be funny and rose in heaven characters from this shit like some gods of Olympus who came down on Manhattan to teach us how to dress trendy and give advice about sex. I should really send you some kind of note of your extraordinary success.
And Mr. Big = John. I wonder how long it took them to think that. It is, after all on of the rare names, like Ernest and Groqtarr Unbeatable.
But the worse crime was last episode in which dozen of celebrities prayed the show. Even Heidi Klum. Et tu Heidi?
There were fanatics who practically said things like “watching S&C cured my syphilis.” Oh my god! Will the wonders never stop?
At least we saw person responsible for hip look of our heroines. Carrie’s fashion crime doesn’t surprise me any more since I saw lady responsible for costumes dressed up like on of the mafia people from “Sopranos”.

If nothing, next year they are gone. This emptiness in our hearts no one will fill in.


3. Most irritating showed-for-zillion-times movie: Highlander

Oh boy, I love Highlander! Frankly saying, none of the movies about Highlander is good. Contrary to what the fans say, even the first movie is shit. It’s a movie that combines bad scenes of sword fighing with greatest hits of “Queen”. Only thing worse from this combination could be Carl Orff and shoots of single cellular beings mating. Or holocaust followed by “The Beach Boys”.
For those of you, who by some miracle managed to miss first 12 hours of movie, the story follows Scottish rebellion led by William Wallace, who is coming back from dead even after being decapitated more than once by diabolically mean Englishmen.

4. Prick of the year: Michael Moore

Coz he’s fu***ing boring.
Bush is an idiot. Really? Tell me something I don’t know. Or if it’s possible in any way, make a 2-hour long movie about it.
Whole point of Moor’s movie could be put in: “Hi, I’m Michael Moore and George W. Bush is stupid. I am much smarter that him, and I’m not a president of USA. That’s not fare. How can Bush be stupid and get to be a president, and I’m smart and not a president. Btw…did I mention Bush is stupid?”
Unfortunately, instead of that, Moore has a need to make a 2-houl-visual-guide about Bush exhibitions. Okay, Bush is a jerk. I get that. I’m not American.

5. Idiot of the year: Michael Jackson

Stupid like a pot. And no, I’m not a racist. Although Michael looks these days like he has cousins on Alpha Centurion who communicate with “Bip-bip!” in different intonations.
Anyway, Michael is a man who is close to being suit because of pedophilia, and what does he do? He says something like: “I like to sleep with little boys.”
And then they arrest him. Well, D’OH!
You never heard Jack the Ripper saying: “Oh, I’m not killing prostitutes…I just like to stab their tummy with my knife.”

Michael, get yourself a brain. Or even better a lawyer. One of those, who will stand next to you 24/7 and save your mummified but from further problems.

6. Phobia of the year: fear of nipples

Statistics say that every hour in USA 7 new phobias are born. This year female nipples made the biggest impression on Americans. After Superbowl over 5000 parents dug their kids’ eyes, so the poor kids would be in danger of being hypnotized by the children of the Satan himself.
And what to say on that? I agree completely with my American friends. I gave my nipples surgically removed. I feel the World became a better place now.

)"$(&% )!$ #(T&%

I’ m not feeling very good today. Actually tonight. Think I’m having a first stage of a flu. Maybe I should go and see a doctor. But knowing me…I won’t. For more than few reasons.
First…my mom is not here. This may sound funny, but as a child of a mum-doctor, I have never waited in a hospital to be examined. One of my worse nightmares is taking my kids one day to a doctor and having to wait the corridor with others. I was thinking of a way to avoid this…the easiest way seems to be marrying a doc. Then you have a first hand connection. Is there any free good-looking med student reading this?!

Last night I didn’t die from headache, or painkiller overdose. That means I’m much stronger than I thought and that now, if it’s needed, I can go on an open hearth surgery with ought anesthetic. Although, exactly that thing would serve my just fine last night.

Steven King in one of the books had a good description of headache. He said something like:

Firs his head ached like it would never stop, and then it started to ache so much that he started to be afraid IT WILL.


Anyway…second reason why I don’t want to go to a doctor is a cold stethoscope.
You know the feeling? I'll say no more...

Vesna a la Bridget Jones

I was having a good day again!



smoked cigarettes, too many
eaten chocolate bars , six
concrete food which is not chocolate, zero
kilos lost in last 6 months, four
centimeters of boobs mysteriously disappeared, hundred if you ask me
number of thoughts of getting a magic cream that makes your boobs grow, 175894
number of thoughts of seeing Dr. Sinisa Glumicic for getting the centimeters back, 247
amount of money available for one of the upper two things, zero
number of stores visited yesterday, hundred million
number of necessary bussiness clothes bought for tomorrows event, zero
number of elegant shoes which are not Dr Marten’s, or like them in any aspect of their existence, also necessary for the event, zero
amount of nerves lost during the chace for the mention things, colossal
drank coffees , seven
number of curses on behalf of nicotine and caffeine said, because of shaking hands and twitches, 800
number of bad words said, 14
thoughts of sayin a bad word, 39572937451924662445
near death experiences, 1
near fainting experiences, 3 in 3 days
hours of sleep in last 5 days, 17
hours of sleep needed to make up, million
books red, one
met deadlines, one
books to read tonight, one
24/7 working shops, one
number of stupid thoughts, a lot
number of obsessive thoughts, see above
number of hopes for better future, one – selective lobotomy

few info about me

current age: 21
current location: Zagreb, Croatia
mood: could be better
listen: Wierd al Yankovic
recomend: Douglas Adams: Hitchikers Guide to Galxy (if there's anybody who hasn't red it) and numbers of  Orwell's, Huxley's and Murakami's bestsellers
Christmas list of wishes: snow, choose right gifts for others, talk with friends from oppostie part of the world, get an sms from an angry friend, manage not to cry,
upset becouse:misunderstandings, traffic jam, homophobia, must do and must have things, unability to be on two places at the same time, nice past which is gone
apsolutely don't give a shit about:Hajduk, Dinamo or any fotball club from Babina Greda, scratch on the car, 0,00 promilles in the blood, mess in the room
like: Fairytale. Hair ribbon. Bike. Message from a friend. Breeze. Old photo. Glass of good vine. Meadow. Dolphin. My blanket. Chocolate. Smell of pines. Marten's shoes. Fritule. Fresh made coffee. Book with inscription. Letter. E-mail. Kitten stretching on the sun. Walks with my dog. Hand in other hand. Hug. Sea. Kremsnite. Drawing. Smile.