Just to explain...

I’m sorry babe. I’m not like you. I can’t grow up. I don’t want to grow up. I spent too big part of the childhhood worring about things a child shouldn’t worry about.

I still read like stuffed toys and milk with cookies just before going to bed. I still walk in tennis shoes, old jeans and smell the air early in the morning.
I like to stop the daily rutine and lite a cigarette, have coffee with friends and let the day take me where it wants. Don’t like to have the day divided into sectors, don’t like to wake up in the morning like a robot and know where will I’ll exactly be at 16:30 in two weeks.
I sit from time to time and write a post. Bad one and weird one, but still mine. For some ex boyfriends, for some future ones. Yes, for you as well…
I know I’m not perfect and I can mess up stuff. If I could be as smart as I can be stupid sometimes, only the sky would be my limit.

I’ll always stay around, no worries about that…freindship we had (and still have, I hope) is the thing that’s important. It's something that will always count.
But we’ll never make it as lovers.

Coz you can’t put love in the blank spot of your schedule on Tuesday at 14:10 for 15 minutes before meeting sales managers of VIP…


---Naposletku, ja sam navek znala da si svirac...
Brošić što se teško pribada... ---

About opinions...

I don't get turned on when everyone likes me. Lately, I like it more when I’m going on their nerves. I mean, it's ok if they like me, but if they don't...I don't give a flying poop. I don't have the need to suck up to them...

Last few months, everyone agrees with me. Dudes, chill out!
Sex rules...Everyone agrees, nod their heads...like, yeah, we are all promisciute...
Sex sucks, love counts...again everyone smartly nods, everyone wants to hold hands, love only one in the whole life, no one has any mistakes in their love life...
I loved a jerk...Yes!!! Everyone did, everyone is full of understanding, no one asks if I’m a jerk if I was dating one...
I got hurt...Really? Immediately there are 47 hurt soles!
I hurt someone...f*ck it, its life...you tried it, it didn't work out. So what. What doesn't kill him, will make him stronger...
I'm in a bad mood...What's wrong? Come ooooooooon...tomorrow is a new day...why doesn't anyone tell me to buzz off and to stop feeling sorry for myself.
It's not like I miss anything in life or have some huge problems (at least not any more...)


What I want to say, is that people are way too affirmative coz they accept others crappy moods to justify their crappy moods. We are all too polite; no one wants to get in possible fights...

And why would I agree with something if I don't agree with it?! I choose not to keep my mouth shut only to protect the other person, for him/her not to feel threatened or hurt because I have different opinion?!

Well, it sucks! I love to see extreme moods! Hate fake smiles. Or hidden hate ness. Show that you are alive! Love me or hate me, but do it to your maximum!

Memories...

Today i remebered how, once after the war i looked up and saw a plane. Until then, airplanes were always connected with sound of sirene, running to the shelter and playing hide and seek in the before mentioned shelter. It that moment I realised that I’m seeing an airplane for the first time after few years and I’m not afraid. It felt good!
I wrote the same story for the school asignment and it went to Lidrano (writing contest), where it got lost in the crowd of “Some season is again in our town”.


War didn’t get me personally. But a lot of my friends had to go away and they never came back. A lot of them got kiled, some got PTSP, some new dad. Some didn’t get anything except UN tinned ham.

Living in the shelter was almost fun. My brother and I were the only kids there, but we had our time of fun jumping around sponges we used as beds, eating “Sport” cookies with water (there was no milk, tea, juices…) and annoying older neighbours who wanted to hear news on the radio. Parents, of course, weren’t with us. Mom was woring in a hospital and dad was fighting.

Lot of families in my building doubled…some for wife’s wish of having a kid before husband goes on the front, some becouse of recesion and lack of condoms, some becouse of using RIS condoms which were breaking regularly. Some becouse they had nothing better to do than to explore!

A friend’s family doubled…four relatives came with pair of shoes, pants and 2 plastic bags from Tovarnik. As an only child she had difficult time adjusting to sharing toys and colored pens with 2 kids who were only eating and walking around the apartment half naked. Kids can be really mean sometimes. Now, she’s sorry for her behaviour, for our behaviour…we didn’t understand…

Mine stayed the same. But we were splited for one year coz my brother and me went to live with grandparents where it was safer.
It was less traumatic then some other option, but still…having a teeneger and an almost teenager living with grandparents makes you understand “age barrier”. Especially with them being sometimes overprotective with best intentions to spare us of some disturbing knowing. We had to find it out the hard way…


...to be continued...